Just · Another · Day · in · the · Life · of · Me

You think you have found something that is so sure, so true.
Then everything comes crashing down on you.
And you are left with nothing but thoughts that are haunting.
You can't sleep without terrible dreams.
You can't think about things that need to be done.
All you can do is think about how you don't know what to believe in.
What are you doing with your life?
How did you find yourself in this position?
What did you do, and what did you not do?
Maybe you didn't do anything at all.
Maybe you did everything.
But all of a sudden, life feels like it is crashing down on you.
You have so many decisions to make.
You have to know exactly how you feel.
You have to know EXACTLY what you want.
Otherwise, you will get nothing.
You will go nowhere.
You will be no one.

So a couple of you know, but most of you dont.
My sister did not get credit for anything this semester. They gave her a medical refund because she had surgery and missed so much school for dr. appointments, and she has to retake everything. This means that my sister has another year and a half of college left.
So, I told my parents that if they decided I had to go home, that I would be ok with it because of the financial stress. My mom kept telling me it was ok, and that I could stay up here.
Finally, my parents sat down and talked. They decided not only will I be coming home for the fall semester, but my mom is wanting to keep me home until Sarah graduates from college. So I may be in the Kingwood/Houston area for another year and a half.
It doesnt bother me that much, but I wasnt expecting to be home for that long. So I am going to try to get a scholarship somewhere out there so that I dont have to be home for forever.
All I really have to say is, Thanks a lot Sarah for having to be in school for six and a half years.

So I watched a show on VH1 called, The Drug Years. I think that is the best show VH1 has ever produced. It was actually educational. I enjoyed it a whole lot. So I decided to start writing a song about 60's drug culture. This is what I have so far.

"Utopian possibilities drained because of popularity
Madison Avenue wanted something revolutionary
So they stole the fashion of our counter culture society
While hippies were putting flowers in a barrel of a gun
Take a hit boys then we'll all be on the run
While our parents worry about the slavery of the young

Hells angles came through to drag us down
We can't gain control when madmen come to town"

I'm happy with the way its progressing so far. I think this could turn out well.

It's alright guys. We broke up tonight. Funny thing is, I didn't get upset. It was weird because he started to do one of those, "So I've been thinking a lot lately." Those always make me want to laugh. The fact is, once you've said that, you really don't need to say anymore. I just told him not to worry about it. The thing is, I didn't have anything to say to him. I was trying to think of something, but I was thinking absolutely nothing. Nothing. I was looking at the ceiling, and thinking about the fact that he probably thought it was weird that I was looking at the ceiling. Then we talked for almost three hours, and he just went home. He said he felt like an ass for putting me through what he did all week, and I told him that he should feel like one. He also said he was being a coward and trying to postpone it. I told him he was more of an ass for doing that, because it just made it worse for me. The thing is; I'm just strange. When I get broken up with, I don't cry. I saw it coming from the moment you wanted to be with me. I know that I'm not going to stay with you because I'm only 18. I start to think, "I wonder how this is going to end?" I even daydream about it sometimes when I am dating someone. I know that sounds weird. Why even date if you don't expect much? I don't know if I can answer that. I guess, just like everyone else, I get tired of being alone. Also, all that sappy shit like, "OMG, I cant listen to that song because it reminds me of that one time!" I don't do that. It's a song. I like that song. Who cares? If I dont create something new to go along with it, then a lot of things in life would be horrible. There really is no point in being overdramatic. That sounds weird coming from someone as emotional as me. I would be interesting to study I think.

I pissed off my boyfriend.
I've been alone all week, and it has been anything but fun. SO Last night I decided to be smart and to tell him thank you for being a hermit and adding to the suckyness of my week.
Then he basically said I was being a bitch.
SO I apologised. And Im pretty sure I said.

"I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I should be more careful about what I say. I'll try not to bother you anymore. I suppose it's just one more thing to add to my list. I hope you have a nice weekend."

He never said anything back.

I sent him a message this morning that said, It's snowing! : ) , because I know he loves snow.
He never said anything back to that either.

I have talked to him twice all week, and only over aim.
I've been all by myself, and he never even suggested coming over to see me.

I guess I'm just being selfish, but I feel really lonely.
I'm in this big house, all by myself.

It was wrong of me to be a dick to him. But the least he could do is talk to me. I don't think I'm asking a whole lot.

It's snowing, and I woke up feeling like I am going to throw up.
Perfect.

SO I still haven't talked to Terry.
His sister sent me a message on facebook today asking about him because he hasnt been answering her calls.
It's nice to know Im not the only one worried about him.
Worried, and annoyed that he wont answer his phone calls.
I dont know what to do. So I guess I do nothing, and just keep calling once a day.
Once a day doesn't hurt anything, and at least I can say I tried.
I hate loving someone.

On a great note, I sang a song I wrote in songwriting today.
My teacher really likes what I have so far.
He even asked if I would be interested in doing something for him.
He also said to never stop writing because I have something.
So that made me feel awesome, and hopeful.
Yay!
I want to write more. Sweeeeeeeeet action.

So apparently all my boyfriend has been doing the last few days is playing computer games and reading.
I've tried calling him. He doesn't call back.
I am in this house all by myself, and I want to get out of this house and hang out with him.
But no, apparently computer games and reading books is a better choice.
Supposedly he is depressed. I can understand that.
He could call me back though.
I hate loving someone.

There is no such thing as happiness in this world.
Count on no one and nothing.
Everything fails to meet expectations.
Have none, because they only make you fall harder.

Life is a rather peculier thing.

My sister has been out of town for almost a week and half if you count it all together. I have had three weekends without her. This one has been difficult, but I rather like being by myself. I get more done that way. No one else is there to stress me out.

I cleaned the bathroom, the kitchen, the living room, and my bedroom. Although, ive already messed my bedroom up. I washed my car. Then a dust storm came yesterday, and I just finished rinsing off all the dirt and cleaning the windows. I cleaned the sliding glass door and the window we look out of from the sink. I vacuumed, and have mopped the kitchen and bathroom. I have written up fliers for roommates and the puppy i need to sell. Who, by the way, got a hold of my purse, took out all it's contents, chewed up my wallet, and my headphones. I am rather pissed that I am headphoneless. Well, I have monster headphones I can use, but it still pisses me off.
I also have hardly any money at all due to the fact that we have no roommates. I am having to pay way more then I should have to in order to stay here, and I need to get a job. Which, I haven't really tried tooooo hard to get yet.

I have a test on Monday (tomorrow) in Art History, which I haven't studied for yet. And I have a test in photography on Tuesday. The bright side is, I don't have to take anymore pictures for my photo class because I got lucky and there are four really good ones on my second role. So, yay for that.

I thought that I wanted to transfer out of here, but I love it now. I LOVE Lubbock. You know why? It's quiet. It's boring. And it's hiding lots of quirky, weird, artistic people. I get out a lot now. I have a boyfriend, who I adore. I have a busy schedule, so I am never bored.

The only thing is, I hurt my sisters feelings when I told her we weren't friends. I think I hurt them to a point where she wont forgive me even if she wanted to. I really don't know what to do. I don't mind it so much really, except for that I feel bad about it. Not awful though, and that makes me feel insensitive. Am I? If I am, it's because she helped make me that way. It's not an excuse though if I know it's there. So what do I do?

This is a rather long entry, but there is so much to say.

I go to Europe in two weeks. I may have no money, but I have a camera. I would spend my last dime on film. It's really all I need to have the very best vacation. I am looking forward to it more than anything. I love Europe, and I get to go on the Chunnel this time! So, that makes me excited. Plus! I get to spend more then just ten hours in London, I get to spend Days! Rome and Paris as well. Oh, Im so EXCITED!

My sister and I just got in a huge fight...this is what she wrote in her myspace blog.

life

I cannot wait to graduate and move on with my life. It has become something that I hate. I live in constant pain which sucks, but its life. I am always worried that I could have cancer since i have awesome tumors. I tell myself that God doesnt give us more than we can handle, but just how strong does He think i am. The friends I thought I had are not real, but friends I thought I had lost have reappeared. Life is this huge mystery that I am just hating right now. I just want to get out of this town and be with the love of my life. He understands me, he makes efforts to know me, even when its hard.

Im the friend that she thought was real and wasnt. I am also someone that doesnt make effort to know her, even when its hard.

To be honest, I saw this coming. We are two different people. We drive each other crazy. She thinks she loves me so much more than I love her. Its not true. I do things for her all the time, and I dont get thank yous. When she doesnt get a thank you its like life is over.

I have a mental problem. I love my sister, and I want to be friends with her. The thing is...14 years of my life were lived with her HATING me. Not just disliking me, hating me, resenting me for being close to my mom, telling me everything I did wrong, etc. I cant just get over that. I didnt live with her for four years. I never really cried then. Now that Im around her, I cry a lot. I dont know how to fix it; i just know its there.

So tonight she said that I need to find my own place for the Fall. We were supposed to live together, and maybe share a room (ha). Moving is fine with me. She also said that she didnt want to talk anymore, to which I replied, "That's fine, we never really had anything to talk about anyways."

So, I guess its probably over. I know I dont want to try anymore. There isnt a reason to. I dont need a second mother, and she doesnt need me in her life. We will both move on, and maybe someday we will be friends again, but I dont see it really happening. I doubt Ill really even see her next semester if we both come back.

We live different lives, in different worlds, and its all just too much.

You were the first one to make me say goodbye
You were the only one that made me want to cry
Because I loved you all the time
But I just couldn't watch you hurt inside

I let you go so you would move on
I let you know that we were too strong
I never want to fall in love
Because love will break us all

I'm so untrue
I still omit the truth
And I can't hold on to you
When there's nothing here
Nothing here to prove

You were the first one to hold me through the night
You were the only one that made me say goodbye
Because I loved you all the time
But I just couldn't watch you hurt inside
Every time I lied

I'm so unkind
I make you think your mine
When every words a lie
I only want to hold you tight
So I can feel desired

I let you go so I could move on
I let you know that we were too strong
I never want to fall in love
Because love will break us all

Life has to be full of highs and lows.
While that isn't necessarily a bad thing, a lot of the time I wish that life was more consistent.
I dont really like not knowing what is about to happen next.
I dont really like surprises to be quite honest. I have never been accustom to them.
I feel like people float in and out of my life in a way that is almost too detached.
I am sort of glad that I don't hold many expectations for people.
When I get screwed over, I shrug my shoulders and I move on.
I find it the hardest to give myself to other people.
I don't trust my feelings, so it's hard for me to let go.
I'm very defensive because of this, and that becomes destructive.
Relationships don't work well when you tend to be defensive.
I'm rather selfish really. That needs to change.

I'M DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Totally FINISHED! YES!

My Texas History teacher is THE BOMB. I totally did aweful on my test today, and I stayed till I was the very last person, and we all had to go up there. And he said, "Don't tell me you bombed it." So I looked at him and said, "It's a good thing it's on top, because hopefully by the time you get to the bottom you'll forget about it." So he helped me out, and gave me a few answers. Awesomesauce. Oh, and he dropped my lowest quiz grade.

I just got off the phone with my grandparents (my dads parents). At the end of talking to my Grandma, I started to cry. Im not really sure why, but I think its because I know that I dont have a whole lot of time left with her. As much as I can say that she was hard on me at times, I know that she has always loved me a lot. My grandpa said one of the nicest things to me today. He said, "Oh Mary, you make me laugh, and not a whole lot of people can do that." That made my day. My Grandpa really is a tough one, but he is a softy underneath it all. I'm going to miss them when they are gone, and its strange to think that the time is getting closer.

How can you tell if things are too much?
I dont want to drive people away.
Im sorry for all my mistakes.
All I want right now is change.

"You may be a cunning linguist, but I'm a master debater!"

hahaha, oh man, that was funny.